The Actual work

Might be social isolation.

It was a fairly lofty goal of mine to aim to write on here weekly when beginning a 30 day tour. But you have to have goals aside from scrolling and looking at things you don’t like, so I guess that’s something. I spent most of the tour attempting to pay back sleep debt, connecting with people in person, emailing, rocking, and driving. Not a ton of time for blogging.

I have only sent the link to this Substack to people whose opinions I value and trust…for now. This has generally been the metric in which I’ve measured my output. If people I love and respect say what I’m doing is decent, then I usually see things through with gusto. This strategy has worked so far in the realms of writing, heavy metal music, and art. Noise, grindcore, and ambient music…not so much.

Do I NEED others’ approval to create? No. Most of the beginning of my career was met with negative feedback that I blatantly ignored. This is seen in the band names I was choosing at the time. It was rare that I had shown a Clinging to the Trees of a Forest Fire record to anyone who then in turn had anything nice to say. My pre-Many Blessings era noise project, Tarrustbleedingskindirtskygasoline CDR, was met with nothing but laughs and negative criticism (until those noise songs were repurposed for Primitive Man-but more on that later).

I had thought the irony of having a long band name (which was the style at the time) but being more extreme than those bands, was a good idea. Turns out it just puts you in a situation where you are opposed and disliked by both extreme metal people and the “core” audience of the time. I felt I had to continually prove myself as worthy of an audience and worthy of a place in the DIY musical ecosystem. As I aged further into my 20s, this turned into contempt. I became an antagonizer through my art. I began beating my face in until it was bloody during noise shows. Attempting to smear the blood on other people’s faces. Communication through the medium became the rule as I slowly stopped talking to audiences in general.

I started a second grindcore band in 2008 called Death of Self in an attempt to pivot on how I did things. Zero record label support, or anything above ground for this one. This is when I began doing art for my projects instead of outsourcing, and having a larger hand in how things came together with a project start to finish. Dismal DIY touring, alcohol and drug abuse, the starting of Primitive Man in 2012 , and one of the members having a baby put this band to an abrupt stop.

At the time of writing this, I will have been home for a few hours from the Primitive Man “American Observance” tour. There are 8 days until the end of the year. The real work is now after the tour is over. Downtime is the killer, and I have to keep moving. This doesn’t mean I do not need to process my feelings. This is all about being “All the way Alive,” as I have taken to saying.

I am extending my social media break. My friend Mark Key (a very prolific ATX musician) said to me, “I think you have always made yourself so readily available to everyone, but it has come at a high price of your sanity. Now you are seeking balance, and you will find it as you keep the focus on what works for you.” I hope he is right and that I do find it.

I close my eyes and check for increased levels of tinnitus. I turn on the bedside fan. I think of all the old friends I saw face to face over the last four weeks. I hold my two mutts. I begin to drift away, and I smile.

Happy new year.